I was so surprised to hear this from someone who seemed to have it so together. He was strong, nice looking, and said it with so much feeling. "Badgering is the worst kind of abuse that their is." How could a man feel that way about how a woman treated him? So I'm not crazy, that validates my feelings even more.
tr.v. badg·ered, badg·er·ing, badg·ers To harass or pester persistently. See Synonyms at harass.
I was raised in a wonderful family. The first grandchild from my mothers and fathers side. I was only 3 years younger than an uncle and an aunt. I was the first and so loved. They all lived close and there were about 15 aunts and uncles to love me. I had 5 sets of grandparents. Wow! Blond curly hair, blue eyes and was the apple of everyone's eye.I remember thinking when I was about 8 years old,"I'm so good at everything, what should I go in the Olympics in???"
So I married into a prominent family. We had a huge wedding. Everything started so well. After 2 or 3 years of marriage I realized that there were big problems. I actually left my home and took my 2 children to a hotel because my husband, in anger, slammed a snowmobile trailer on my legs and bruised me very badly. Then he pushed me around.
He always wanted to have "talks", but they just never ended. They never got resolved unless I just did as he said. I finally went to my parents, and my bishop. Everyone wanted us to work it out. I didn't believe in quitting, I just wanted to feel loved and accepted. It was so confusing. I was doing everything in my power to be the best I could be and it was just not enough.The bishop really got down on my ex-husband for the physical abuse and told him not to get physical. I had fought back and I promised not to be physical either.
Then the badgering began for the next 20 years. Many night up all night "talking", but never getting anything accomplished. The badgering lessened every time I agreed to do something he demanded, but soon it was something else. The cycle of abuse went like this:
He would ask me to pick him up a paper as soon as it would come every Thursday.
It was very inconvenient because I would be late for my appointments and the paper was not consistent when it would come during the day. I knew he just didn't want me to have my own life.
I would finally rebel and say I will make the 20 minute drive for you when it is convenient for me, but you will have to get your own when I don't.
We would have a fight every Wednesday and Thursday for many hours and there was no give. I wasn't working out of the home and that was my job.
Eventually I would just give up and not schedule anything on that day and stay home and get him his paper.
He would be happy for a while and they he would start on something else, such as, he wanted me to shower every night and the cycle started over.
I really understood this cycle a lot more when I read the book from The Arbinger Istitute, "The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving theHeart of Conflict."
My father and mother had me get on the internet and listen to a talk on abuse. I listened to it 2 times that night while I played solitaire. My 16 year old son listened to it also. He really was amazed how it related to our family. This is the part that helped me validate my feelings.
Let me present a sample list of actions which generally constitute abuse:
Beating,Hitting
Caustic Criticism
Nagging
Belittling
Sarcasm and Hurtful Speech
Yelling
Calling Names
Threatening
Using Profanity
Unfaithfulness
Lying
Restricting Finances
Making fun of the other person
Using spiritual intimidation and controlling
Unrighteous dominion, a familiar phrase, constitutes the use of priesthood or other authority to control, intimidate or threaten another person. The scripture from the Doctrine & Covenants Section 121: "When we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves. The Spirit of the Lord is grieved, and when it is withdrawn, amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man. It is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion. No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness and by love unfeigned, by kindness and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy and without guile." The words control, dominion, compulsion used in that scripture clearly refer to what we now call abuse. And while this scripture seems to refer to man, it is also possible for women to exercise control or dominion.
My first marriage went on for almost 25 years. It finally got to the point that I said, " I am done, I will think for myself, I will not let you intimidate me ever again, you will no longer rule over me." We were caught up in a rut. My ex-husband refused to get out of it. I got out of the rut and I am now happily married to a non-badgering, wonderful man. My ex-husband still tries to badger me. He still takes no responsibility for his actions, he doesn't even consider that he has done anything wrong. He thinks he just wants to talk, harass and persistently pester is a horrible type of abuse.
If you think you are being badgered ask yourself some of these questions:
Are you having talks that are up to 8 or 10 hours and nothing is still accomplished?
Is it a known law in you family that you have to lie to a parent or spouse so you wont have the "talk?"
If you were the last person in the house and the remote control is lost, do you get a call every 10 min. asking where it is?
Do you get a call when you are at a ball game from the angry accuser that you shouldn't of wasted gas, you don't have time, why isn't my washing done etc. and you are totally embarrassed because everyone can hear the yelling?
Do you prepare what to say to your spouse on the way home from errands or shopping because you know that he she may or may not approve?
Do you always feel guilty, buy not sure why?
Are you pushed to make quick decisions when it isn't necessary?
Is there a crisis on a weekly basis?
Are you constantly getting criticized?
I nagging a normal conversation of the day?
When you say something is there sarcasm and hurtful speech following your comment?
Is name calling and yelling part of your family life?
Are there threats being made to bully you around?
Is profanity used often?
Are you having to lie so you won't get in trouble or are you being lied to?
Is your spouse restricting your finances without making it a joint decision, and budgeting?
Are you being made fun of?
Is your spouse using spiritual intimidation to control you?
These are good questions to ask yourself for a check up. We all abuse or are abused at times. We need to constantly give ourselves a check up. When it gets out of hand is when it needs to stop! Badgering is a form of abuse the is often overlooked. Just remember the Golden Rule,Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
